My analysis and takeaways from Dale Carnegie’s, “How to Win Friends and Influence People”.

If You’ve Never Read the Book

Then go and read it. I’m not going to sit here and tell you that I can convey the messages from the book better than Dale Carnegie himself. However, if you would like just a morsel of the knowledge that is available in this masterpiece, then I will do best.

Overview

No book has had more of a grand or lasting impact on how I go about my everyday life than the absolute classic that is How to Win Friends and Influence People. I consider it the bible on social interaction and mentality when it comes to interpersonal communication. I’ve re-read the books multiples times and implement lessons taught in it almost daily. I attribute the majority of the success (haha) when communicating to what I’ve learned by reading this book. After an incredibly poor interaction with another person—like getting into a fight with my dad or feeling terrible after a conversation—I’ll re-read anything I’ve highlighted in the book and think of ways I could’ve handled the situation better. Now, let us explore some of what are in my opinion the most important lessons from the book.

My Main Takeaways

Don’t Criticize, Condemn, or Complain

The reason I’ve started with this lesson from the book is because it’s the one I have the most trouble staying true to. As someone who has always kept high standards and expectations for myself, I have a tendency to allow these things to spill over onto others. This isn’t because I hate people or I think that I’m better than everyone else; it’s actually the exact opposite. If I care deeply about someone else, I want to do everything I can to make them happy. This often manifests in me giving the other person lots of “constructive criticism” so that they can better themselves and lead happy lives. This approach, however, is fundamentally flawed. Carnegie offers multiple reasons why criticism is counter-productive, but here are the one’s I like the most:

Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment.

When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.

Do you know someone you would like to change and regulate and improve? Good! That is fine. I am all in favor of it. But why not begin on yourself?

Ok, now let’s try and tie these three things together. In the first quote, Carnegie articulates that criticism is “futile” because it causes others to become defensive and feel hurt. Now, at first glace, you might be skeptical. “What do you mean—I take criticism super well!” or “But constructive criticism is OK because it has good intentions behind it” might be your initial response. In that case, let’s continue to the second quote, where the author said something that completely changed the way I interact with people—and that is that people are not “creatures of logic.”

The human mind will do whatever it takes to produce dopamine, because that’s it’s way of giving you incentive to stay alive. This is why our minds are constantly tricking us into things like “wishful thinking” or “ignorant bliss”—to keep that dopamine flowing and keep us away from any negative emotions. What does this all mean? It means that even the most well intentioned, logical and well articulated pieces of constructive criticism should be avoided like a tall glass of OJ after brushing your teeth. This is because that even this “optimal” form of criticism can still cause others to become defensive or hurt, effectively accomplishing the opposite of your original goal and often eliciting criticism in return. So, before you think to criticize another, redirect that mental energy and think: “how can I better myself?”

I will add this one caveat though: if someone comes to you asking for criticism, and you think that they earnestly want to improve themselves and are emotionally able to handle it, then it may be an option. Also, in the case of close friends or family, criticism may also have a place, but I will warn you—tread extremely lightly.

Give Honest and Sincere Appreciation

I’m just going to drop some of my favorite quotes from the book relating to our next lesson, so I hope you enjoy them just as much as I do! :)

I once succumbed to the fad of fasting and went for six days and nights without eating. It wasn’t difficult. I was less hungry at the end of the sixth day than I was at the end of the second. Yet I know, as you know, people who would think they had committed a crime if they let their families or employees go for six days without food; but they will let them go for six days, and six weeks, and sometimes sixty years without giving them the hearty appreciation that they crave almost as much as they crave food.

I shall pass this way but once; any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.

Let’s cease thinking of our accomplishments, our wants. Let’s try to figure out the other person’s good points. Then forget flattery. Give honest, sincere appreciation. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise,” and people will cherish your words and treasure them and repeat them over a lifetime—repeat them years after you have forgotten them.

Give honest and sincere appreciation.

Honest and sincere appreciation. Who would’ve guessed that such a simple thing is often what people long for the most. Try to think back to a time when someone gave you a genuine compliment and how bubbly and happy it made you feel. I still, to this day, remember when someone said that I smelled nice. From that day forward, I have completely stopped using deodorant.

Sigmund Freud said that what we do comes from two motives: the sex urge and the desire to be great. Ignoring the first one, people just want to feel important. No one wants to be that one guy that no one listens to or takes seriously. We all, deep down to our core, just want to feel acknowledged. And if you can give that feeling of acknowledgement or importance to another person who’s been deprived of it for far too long, you will have given that person something of tremendous value.

There is no “I” in…Octopus?

Do you know those people who just never stop talking about themselves and couldn’t give less of a hoot about you or other people. Yeah, fuck those people. I say this knowing full well that I used to be one of them. I remember the days where I had to find some way to weasel in my two coding internships as a high school student or my super amazing girlfriend into whatever conversation I was having. No wonder people didn’t like me. The main reason for this is the sad truth that few people actually care about what you want. People have their own problems, goals, and life to deal with—they don’t have the time to think about your desires when they’re so drowned in their own. This is what the author has to say about it:

Why talk about what we want? That is childish. Absurd. Of course, you are interested in what you want. You are eternally interested in it. But no one else is. The rest of us are just like you: we are interested in what we want.

The only way you can get people to care about what you have to say is if you can help them get what they want. So speak to the other person’s desires. If you’re trying to influence another person to do something, don’t tell them what you want and how you are benefitting from it. Show them how you can help them achieve their desires. Back to Carnegie:

First, arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way.

The most basic principle in economics is that of supply and demand. A company makes money by satisfying a desire. So, the next time you’re trying to convince someone of something, speak in terms of their wants. Don’t make it seem like you’re selling them 6 grams of marijuana, show them how they can become happier and free.

Smiles Save Lives/There is no Sweeter Sound than One’s Name

These two things are pretty small but I wanted to include them because of how impactful they are. The first one highlights the importance of a smile. You have probably heard that just the act of smiling can make you happier. But, try to take this one step further. “There is nothing either good or bad,” said Shakespeare, “but thinking makes it so.” What the playwright is trying to convey here is the impact thoughts have on our emotions. Simply put, whether think you’re happy or sad: you’re right. If you want to be more positive and enjoy life to the fullest, start with your mind.

The next thing I want to highlight is the importance of remembering other’s names. I’m not sure whether it’s because I’m surrounded by college students or if it’s just been like this all along, but people are notorious for forgetting other people’s names. Especially in settings like large social gatherings or situations where you may not see the other person again, people give up on the idea of remembering the other person’s name. This is such a major loss because “a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.” Putting in the effort to remember someone’s name always has an expected value of greater than zero.

Conclusion

Some final things I want to include. I don’t want this to come off as me bragging or flexing about how I do all of these things super well. I can’t say with confidence that I even posses an intermediate level mastery of any of these skills. What I will say is that I recognize the importance in each one of the things that I’ve listed and I believe in earnest that if I continue to develop these skills, I will become someone I can be proud of moving forward. I truly believe that these lessons can help you do what the title of the book says they can.

And that just about wraps us my favorite lessons from Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People. At least the first half of it! I got you, didn’t I? Yes, these lessons are all only from the first half of the book. Stay tuned for another post outlining my thoughts on the second half of the book. But until next time, I hope you win some friends and influence some people. Oh, and please don’t sell drugs—that was purely a joke :)